I seem to have spurts of writing and the phases of inner reflection. Over the next 6 weeks, I’m actually going to be a regular blogger. Yep, I’m going to be sharing about my journey as it happens. It’s a new commitment to be seen and to also capture the experience so I can reflect on. Who knows, I might learn something and my hope is that my sharing will support you as you live your journey.
If you look at previous blog posts, you can tell I’ve been in an exploration of who I am and how I am showing up — does it match? Am I loving myself or am I in judgement? I questioned why and how I am making decisions and examined the concept of value and worth. It was intense. It’s been three solid years of growth, release and transformation. It’s involved counseling, workshops, physical health, change in my choices, change in my work, my life, my friends, addition of new practices, allowing love to lead, and opening my heart to vulnerability…LOTS of changes!!
Today, December 27th, I find myself 6 weeks away from a life transforming surgery that will start a new chapter for myself. Almost a year ago, I decided that if I was going to do all of the inner work and then do the physical work of transformation, I wanted it to match — inside and out! It hit me like a spark of “of course!”. I deserved to have the extra skin removed from my body after releasing the weight. I want to look into the mirror and see with celebration the transformation vs looking in the mirror and still see the past. My surgery is February 12th and I’m thrilled, excited, and determined!
As you might imagine, there has been so many emotions, internal judgements, societal conditioning, as well as the loss and rediscovery of self. I’m a huge believer that for every year you have lived there is a version of you within yourself – often referred to an ‘inner child’. Often times they act out to get your attention and need your love and acceptance. I’ve written about it several times. I have a very creative process in how i interact with these aspects of myself…it often includes a conversation as if that part of me is sitting in front of me, like I would meet up with you for a cup of coffee. This past week, my 15 year old self has been very active – old thoughts, dreams, emotions that don’t match my current moment. So I sat down with her and WOW!!
Her Story – My 15 year-old self
She was such a bright light. She had proven to herself that with determination she could regain the trust of lost friends and reestablish her self back into the world after being taken out of school and lost. Her parents decided a private Methodist school was perfect for 6th grade, then home school for 7th so the return to 8th grade was a year of challenge! By the end of that academic year she successfully reintegrated herself into a world with friends that filled her heart with joy. It was finally time to start high school and at 15 she was a freshman! An exciting time for her and an exciting time to try new things, become part of a larger group of people and prepare for college.
Unfortunately, her parents made the decision that they would leave Minnesota, her dad would quit his job and the family would move to New Mexico. She was devastated! The loss crushed her spirit. The disbelief that her parents would force her to leave everyone she knew and everything she had to fulfill some dream about something she didn’t understand was so traumatizing to her. She never really recovered. She had to survive instead of grieve. She had to act like it would be ok because she was expected to be joyful, friendly and fall into place as the good daughter!
The hatred, resentment, anger, and overwhelming grief was shoved down and into her cells. She wasn’t allowed to express it. She was such a good girl. She truly thought if she lived up to people’s expectations of her that she would be happy. She wasn’t! In fact, her pain is still felt today. She did what she needed to do to survive. During this journey of shedding the old, releasing the stuck, reclaiming the wholeness and living in authentic love, she had to join the team but it caused her pain, anxiety and her unwillingness to let go without being acknowledged stalled the physical release of the weight. The weight represents her burden, her pain, and her rebellion. In her mind, it was the only thing she had that would prove to her and everyone that she was in pain and had suffered great loss.
This blog post is dedicated to her, my 15 year old self. She needed to be heard and to be expressed and it’s a HUGE part of my journey. She asked I share her story so she could breathe deeper and let go of her suffering. We now walk this journey together and I can feel her authentic joy about being allowed to be who she is.
And now we’re back to today…The inner peace and the faith I have in new boundaries, new ways of living, new food choices, new enjoyment in movement and most of all the knowing that I am loved unconditionally. That’s everything – that means I can have it all!
Please follow along, as I am sure these next 6 weeks are going to be filled with more insights, moments of nervousness and everything in between. And in the end, I Choose Me!