Are you fat?


Today, I share a writing and an insight I had several monthes ago and has helped shape my current reality.  I felt like it was time to share this vulnerable exploration around  – FAT – at the very simplest…a word and at the most complex…a deep seeded bias.

What if I didn’t believe I was fat? (written 11/25/2018)

FAT…it’s not a four letter word but in our society it sure is treated as if it is. Our world views fat as something disgusting and a form of laziness.  People that are fat are some how not as good or not as motivated or somehow not fit.  They are unhealthy.  Yet, in some cultures fat is seen as abundant.  It means you have the means to eat well and that’s a blessing.  What is true? What do you believe?

These negative ideas and beliefs of what fat means in our world impact so many things in our lives and influences so many decisions.  It’s painful if you believe yourself to be fat. I’ve struggled with the inner dialogue and the set of beliefs around being overweight, about not being height/weight proportional and not being fit.  It’s caused me years of self-doubt, fear, anxiety, and depression especially in my younger years.

I’ve questioned if someone would really love me and my body.  Over the years, the doubt and fear about being judged consumed me in a way that internally I was breaking down. I’ve focused on the positive so my body would not control my life experience. I have been able to find the cute, the funny, the sweet, the joy, the passionate, the talented, the successful aspects of my personality and life.  I have focused on the heart and soul of living. It was my spiritual focus.  I have spent most of my life transcending my body because it doesn’t matter. Or so I thought…

To be human means to be in a body.  To have a body means to be physical. To be physical means learning how to listen. The body talks and it’s our job to listen. It means to hear the workings of the body, to pay attention to the body systems and to provide love to the body.  What does this look like?  How does someone do this?  It used to overwhelm me and be the excuse I would use to stay in my fear.

Today, I woke up with the thought, what if I didn’t believe I was fat?
What if I believed I was perfect. 
What if I saw my fat as a wild, beautiful result of a fabulous life?
What if, I let go of the story of “Dani is fat and that stops _________ (fill in the blank).”  What then?

Here are my honest, first thoughts that came to me…I found them to be telling especially the focus on outside of myself and related to dating…

Men would find me attractive and want to date me.
I would dress sexier.
I would have less fear and anxiety.
I would be more active because I would trust my body.
My inner voice would be more loving.
I would appreciate all the ways my beautiful body supports my life.
And more than I can even think of or imagine.

The reality…I’m perfectly shaped for my life.  The world has many indicators to convince ourselves that we are not  – normal, healthy, fit, and the list goes on. There is the BMI index, there are medical tests with ranges of normal, and there is a multi-billion dollar industry to sell us solutions to our fat problem.

I feel like this exploration and my willingness to give up the conditioning around being fat helped me create a new reality.  Today, I am more compassionate about my body.  I look at my naked body everyday and see the love and beauty.  I sleep naked so I can feel my body.  And I’ve hired a trainer, started working out, and now enjoy the feeling of sore muscles.  My body is waking up and it’s changing.  I’m changing in so many ways!