I think we all have this belief that to be ‘good enough’ we some how have to be perfect. If we don’t get it right or if we fail we are some how not good enough. As a Virgo, perfectionism runs as a shadow in my psyche. I’m always trying to do it right, get it done first, make sure all the details are precise and any foreseeable issue is met with a solution. It’s STRESSFUL! My poor brain and body are never relaxed.
During this journey of reclaiming my body, I needed to be in my body. What I mean by that is I needed to be able to connect with how my body was feeling. I needed to learn to listen to the subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle ways my body was communicating to me. I actually thought I was pretty good at this because of my background in alternative healing, energy work, and spiritual development. Turns out…not so much!
In a session with a client, I could listen, feel, and intuit all sorts of messages and ‘nudges’. What I learned about myself is that I easily open up my receptors for another’s benefit. I open my heart, expand my energy, allow messages to flow and enable a space of opportunity and growth. And here’s the big BUT…
For myself – I question, I judge, I ignore, I deny, I struggle, I push away and sometimes run!! (I’m laughing at this because I can feel the depth of this truth within me.) So I had to SLOW down. Learn to feel. Trust my body’s responses. I wanted to listen so I stayed willing to hear. I wanted to be in touch with how my stomach felt after a meal or how my brain was functioning or how my muscles and bones were supporting me. It was an incredible discovery.
My need or belief that I needed to be perfect – “be a good girl” “don’t be selfish”, “share your toys”, “stay happy” and all sorts of other messages that kept me focused on the external perspective really ruled my actions and decisions. How could I show up ‘less than’ was my thinking. What I was really afraid of was that I am fat because I am broken. I was scared that people would discover that I’m a fraud! I’m not perfect. I’m not a good girl. I’m not always happy. I am selfish and petty! And the real truth is that I am all of it!
I love Brene Brown for her voice and ripple affect around being Perfectly Imperfect! I believe it’s shifted the global conscientiousness and is creating a space for us to be human. For all of us to find acceptance and love for EVERYTHING we are and could be!
This was a powerful shift in my journey. Through the help of incredible counselors (I’ve had 3 in the process) and the reflection of myself through the eyes of loved ones (family and friends), I created a new inner voice. Found the parts of me that were afraid and loved them. Discovered the beauty within and slowly but courageously moved into trust.