During this journey, I’ve struggled with making myself the priority. How do you compassionately, lovingly, kindly put yourself as the number one priority in your life? Does it even have to be kind, loving or can it be dramatic, bold, and unapologetic? I feel like I have vacillated between these two forms of expression. My heart feels tender and my mind is full of thoughts and judgments.
As a recovering people-pleaser, don’t rock the boat, co-dependent, I find there is a lot of conditioning around what it looks like to be a priority. It’s easier for me to put someone else, or some work project, or a client’s success first than myself. I’ve gotten better but as this journey around reclaiming my body, owning my desire, and staying faithful to my inner truth has deepened and caused some very challenging moments and deep emotions to surface.
And right now some things are getting stirred up. I can feel the next layer of self-protection (created from lack and fear) crumbling. I can feel my heart hurting as the fear of loss, rejection, isolation, and abandonment rise to the surface like a tidal wave about to over take me. In the past, I’d do anything to avoid this feeling — grab on to someone – anyone – for comfort, eat and hope that would fill me up, or push everyone away before they could push me away.
Not today! Today I am crying, writing, prioritizing my needs. Listening. Allowing love and a more gentle voice to fill my spaces. There truly is nothing external for me to save myself. I have what I need and as uncomfortable and scary as that thought is, I know it to be true. So I am in it and in it to win it. (seems silly to say it that way but there’s some resonating truth about it)