There are always ups and downs in a journey. You know, one step forward and then two steps back or even the trusting, willing leap into the unknown. It all happens and we know to expect it all….YET I find myself a bit unprepared or maybe it’s overwhelmed. How do I keep myself from dipping deep into the well of “shit” without loosing myself?
I feel as if there is this joyous release and body transformation and then this equal and opposite experience of fear and dread. The ways I have built a secure and solid foundation to keep myself safe is truly a work of art but one that I no longer need nor want. I want to free my body of excess. I want to be emotionally free to express. I want to rid myself of the burdens I contractually agreed upon at a soul level as well as the conditioning this life has taught me and I have agreed to. All of that desire and the passion I feel for its release is amazing! I believe it is enough to get me through this journey of transformation.
And I won’t lie to you…it all fucking sucks as well! All of the fear – did I do enough? What will happen on pre-op appointment day if I don’t weigh what I wanted to weigh? Who out there is judging me? Hoping at some level I don’t succeed? And then I realize I’m the biggest doubter, nay-sayer, and sabotage voice!! Yep, it’s all me. All those times I’ve failed. All those times I didn’t celebrate someone else’s success. All those times I judged myself and others for not living up to my expectations. All of that now is in my face BUT this time, it’s asking for my compassion, my forgiveness, my love, my acceptance, my embracing the everything of everything. THIS time is DIFFERENT!!
You might ask (I know I do) how do I know it’s different? Because this time, in this life, I did the work. I felt the feelings. I changed my thinking. I faced the fears. I hired the team to support me. I opened my heart to receive love and support. THIS time, I became vulnerable and slightly more awkward in my way of being. I trusted myself and stayed open to receive the nudges, the insights, the aligned signs along the way. I’ve maintained my practice, my process, my investigation which has brought me to this moment.
And right now, as I write this, I can feel the inner me (all 47 little Dani’s) come together as my core and together we are know the truth — I DESERVE THIS. I AM WORTHY. I AM ENOUGH. I GET WHAT I WANT. I AM SUCCESSFUL. There is so much love within and and can feel the love from family, friends, and even my doctors. Everyone wants the best for me and I am so grateful. It has pulled me out the well so many times so I could continue. And…I am continueing! 34 days to Surgery!
I want to thank you for reading this far and allowing me the space to share my current moment. I know this is like a diary entry but know that i’m ok with being vulnerable with you and for sharing this. It’s a beautiful form of intimacy that truly enables me the ability to love myself more and shift my thinking. xoxo, Dani